This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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