I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
