the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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