I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
