I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
