the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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