Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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