Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
