She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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