my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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