I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You can't motorboat a personality
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
