Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
