You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
this just has baby written all over it
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
