Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
