You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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