trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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