i'm signing you up for texting rehab
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
