3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
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Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
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when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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