i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
