My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
