Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
