You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
