We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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