This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
