i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
