she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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