I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
