i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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