I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
