Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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