I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
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It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
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Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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