She is in my trunk
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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