plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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