There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
