I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
