No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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