i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
