If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I fill condoms, not promises.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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