You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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