So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
