Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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