I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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