It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
