hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
