I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
