Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
