if only i could text you this smell
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
