apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Mom said you looked used
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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