Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
