So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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