I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
