i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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