Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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