i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I checked into jail on foursquare
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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