literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
