im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
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I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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