dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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